Make New Friends But Keep the Old: Helping Your Child Navigate Friendships After Camp or Boarding School
Your child with Asperger's, high-functioning autism, or other autism spectrum disorders has been away at a private boarding school or wilderness camp for many months. Now that she's home, she wants to stay in touch with the kids she met during the program. Although you want to nurture these valuable social connections, you also hope your child will form new friendships and continue to build on important relationships at home. How do you find the right balance?
This is a question many families of children with Asperger's, high-functioning autism, or nonverbal learning disorder struggle with each year. The right private school, residential program, or wilderness camp can be a critical part of your child's journey toward independence and life success. The structure, positive peer support, and highly trained staff at these programs help your child build self-confidence, a sense of responsibility, and positive social skills. Naturally, you want your child to build on the success he achieved at one of these special needs programs when he returns home.
The transition home is a critical time for students and their families. There can be a sense of uncertainty as the joy of reuniting with family and old friends merges with the anxiety of leaving new friends and a familiar routine. The activities, trips, and challenges at therapeutic programs are specifically designed to foster social bonds and close friendships among students, so it is likely that your child will miss these connections when he returns home.
As with any aspect of the transition home, planning is key. Here are a few tips for helping your child navigate the social connections he or she made at school:
Start Planning as Early as Possible. Early in the program start working with your child's counselor or teacher to begin building a support network in your community or at a new school. Counselors, old friends, and group meetings can be excellent resources to help your child get back into the groove of home life. If you have any concerns or questions throughout the process, talk to program staff about how and when to discuss issues with your child.
Also seek input from your child's counselor or teacher about your child's interests and abilities. Take advantage of the expertise these professionals have gained after spending months getting to know your child. Work together to create a transition plan that is sensitive to your child's input and the growth he has achieved. Set up activities, lessons, social outings, and community service opportunities that match your child's interests and talents before his return so he can remain socially engaged at home.
Open the Lines of Communication. The most important thing you can do when your child with Asperger's, autism, or a learning disorder returns home from a residential program or wilderness camp is to keep the lines of communication open. When evaluating whether a particular friendship is positive or negative, engage your child in the process, solicit feedback, and let them vent their feelings, even if they are negative. Although disrespect and defiance can't be accepted, remember opposition and attempts to negotiate are building blocks toward autonomy. Be willing to actively listen to your child's perspective as he processes the changing nature of his relationships with peers from school. Keep the rules simple and consistent, but always be open to flexibility, creativity, and adaptation.
Get to Know Friends' Parents. If your child has expressed an interest in continuing a social connection from school, consider speaking directly with the friend's family at school events such as parent seminars, graduations, open houses, and alumni weekends. This will help families work together to decide if a particular friendship is worth pursuing after the children return home.
Get Help From the School. Most boarding schools and wilderness camps have developed alumni services and transition plans to help students with Asperger's, high-functioning autism, or related disorders with the transition home. Staff members may offer counseling and suggestions about maintaining friendships, and can help determine which relationships should be encouraged or discouraged. You can practice with your child's counselor or teacher on how to set expectations and limits and how to support your child's strengths. Some residential programs, like Talisman Academy, even coordinate periodic get-togethers with alumni so students can catch up, reminisce, and continue to nurture the bonds they forged at school.
Set Limits. It is important to establish clear boundaries regarding your child's communication with her classmates. Many of the same rules you set with friends at home apply to friendships formed during a residential program or wilderness camp. For example, friends who are "bad influences" that may be into drugs, alcohol abuse, or sexual promiscuity should have limited contact with your child. Friends who offer encouragement and support, who like to tell stories from camp or school, or who ask for advice can be incredibly beneficial to children with Asperger's or other autism spectrum disorders. In any friendship, reserve the right as a parent to limit the amount or type of communication, or to stop the communication at any time if you feel it is unhealthy. Since your child doesn't see these friends on a daily basis at home, it is possible to limit contact to e-mail only or to one phone call per week.
The end of school or camp is a time of endings, new beginnings, and continuing bonds. Take advantage of boarding schools and wilderness camps that offer transitional care plans and continuing relationships with alumni and staff. By thoughtfully planning for the transition home, keeping the lines of communication open, and encouraging healthy friendships, you can make coming home a positive experience for the whole family.